AND, it is not a good time to bring it up. I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer. Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me.
I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations. I asked him about this. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love. I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently. He said that there was nothing sexual between them. How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her.
That was one month ago. What should I do? I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back. It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage. In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do.
We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met. So why is this happening. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him. Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable.
We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books — both spell out much that you need to learn.
Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage. For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I found my husband—again—on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women—age, name, location, job.
I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior. I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I initiate sex. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online.
On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men. How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause?
Marcie It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home who he is taking care of your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do. There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements…. But the children aspect is very important to consider. My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me. He lies and lies. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Your thoughts please.
Dear Lori We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or…. It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage….
I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself. They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin.
So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again? But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another. The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome.
Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child. If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course if it is easily affordable she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in.
Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped.
He needs help, too. Twila Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work. Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees. Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal.
Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way. It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing.
Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful.
Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired. I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact. I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women.
Any advice would be welcome. Dear Christina It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions.
Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage…. Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way…. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.
The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage.. How in the world do I move past this? Any advice? From anyone???? Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration.
Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works. You said you worked on your marriage…but how? If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success. I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination.
If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive.. Lana Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble.
I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally.
Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him. If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books. I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage.
It is your free will that decicdes your fate. Dear Sue What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future.
True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all. It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that.
Do our teachings work in all cases? Of course not. But we have saved marriages that most wrote off. Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives. Blessings… Paul Friedman.
Oct 6, Ask Brian: I discovered my boyfriend on gay dating websites while cleaning his email inbox To me, whether it's a man or a woman he's cheating with is largely irrelevant here, it's the serial and repeated Online Editors. Thousands of bi/gay men are using Ashley Madison for a reason! and found that 55% of men thought about cheating and 44% have had an extramarital affair. Adult dating is a lifestyle choice enjoyed by more than just single heterosexuals. . You can meet men in bars, clubs, through friends, and of course online.
My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves.. My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work.
He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost. I am now at the crossroads.. I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. When is enough.. Dear Nadi There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you. If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family.
Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages. A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat. No Excuses Please …. Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step…. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything…. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness. Without forgiveness we would all be condemned. He also watches a lot of porn.
Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife. About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He was He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. He told me he was just curious. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. I tried to give him more attention.
But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress.
He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails. He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy.
I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions. So, I ask—is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up? Thank you. Dear Ginger I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her. Religious or not, we get married with the idea that if one of us has a calamity the other not just sticks around, but is there to help. It is not an easy commitment to make, but we all do. Maybe because we are covering our own bases, but the commitment is still a living part of the marriage. Showing your daughter that it is a real part of life is a great gift you are giving her, and although many 15 year old girls are self centered, it needs to be shown to her that giving love and loyalty is a huge part of what opens her heart, while abandoning this deep feminine principle will close her heart,making her a very poor choice as a wife and mother in the future.
Your mind is betraying you right now. You know he is mostly helpless so your primitive survival drive is screaming for relief. Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good. Your burden is yours, and we cannot say why it is so, but you do not have to take it as such. Having free will gives you all the power for happiness in any situation you find yourself in.
This morning I discovered that my daughter saw they porn and dating sites on my husbands computer at some point in the past. She brought it up during casual conversation. I asked her why and she said that she saw things on his computer. I asked her what and she said that is was pictures and dating site. She said to her it seamed like cheating. I had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist and he said that it is considered cheating. It appears that he is in a way stalking her. He is not the same man I married. I want her to be strong and I want her to be happy. I am also worried about my mental and physical health in dealing with all of this.
I want to be around for awhile to take care of her. It was six years ago that my husband had the stroke and I found out about the dating sites. But our focus, as individuals, should be on our own qualities with the emphasis of improving ourselves. Marriage is a great mirror for that, in fact, as we are often pushed, so we can better see our weaknesses.
I think your therapist is pandering to you, and adding fuel to an unhealthy fire. But it is still up to you to be selfless and loving. So, that does not mean you walk into spinning propellers, and it does not mean you ignore the needs of your daughter.
But it does mean you should consider looking at your general demeanor to your husband, and see if you are true to your vows. It is true that divorce is the right thing to do sometimes, but your first steps to learn more about marriage and your self just might save you all from the dramas that come from divorce. Nobody should be characterized, and anyone can be; it is a choice. It would benefit your daughter to read our book, and see if her marriage can be saved, if that is what she wants it is what I want by applying a more reasonable approach to the current situation.
It took me many years to get back the trust but I felt I owed it to myself and him to give it my full try and i did now he has destroyed me again. But he feels he has erectile dysfunction and this is the cause of all his purpose. He wont go for help has gotten Cialis which he has only used with me on a couple occasions but they are all gone all 50 of them. Tell me how am I suppose to get back to trusting when he keeps breaking it. Others suggest let him go to figure it out. After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another.
You cannot blame your husband for your troubled marriage, and you cannot condemn him according to his mental ailments. It is outrageous to do so! Are you perfect? Are your behaviors towards him not adding to the pressures that has him acting out in such SELF destructive ways??
Where is the loving compassion you, as a wife, ought to be expressing in your heart and mind? All you talk about is how YOU are effected; nothing about his suffering! My suggestion is you ask yourself if you are the model wife, loving and supportive, loyal and nurturing, nonjudgmental and forgiving. The rules for marriage are not so much about how to treat your spouse as they are about learning to love outside of your comfort zone.
I suggest you turn the spotlight of criticism away from your husband, and upon yourself! Sound words that I am taking to heart, thank you. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years. Have been going to therapy for 1 month now. I was so heart broken and in tears ever since. What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him?
I love this man and want to make it work. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. Lonely and Sad, Thank you. Dear Judith You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that. Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away not that you want to. He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer.
Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well. The book will help you immensely!
The course would be greatly helpful as well.
I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies… I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities. Thank you.. I want it to be. Im going to make this work! Thank you: One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself? Dear Judith Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given. The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness.
For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing. Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool… As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything.
Usually it is within months, though. If you choose to continue your relationship it will take a lot of patience and effort to get to a normal place. I do not condone his behaviors, but the advice that some experts give, to confront, and somehow get him to come around is dangerous. Some like to ease into the courses; reading a book, and utilizing our free help. Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him. Being catfished is one of the most common horror stories across all online dating platforms, but is especially an issue for lesbians with creepy men lurking and trying to pass as women. Independent Style.
Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues. We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline.
She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine. This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse. I however have some soul searching and thinking to do.
I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem. I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either. My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes.
They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First. Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now. Dear Sharon You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions.
What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife. You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it. Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway.
I am a conservative and have a strong faith. I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence. Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this.
If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us. Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear. I just found my husband on a dating website.. The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama.
Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well?? Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived. But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts. Often, sometimes years later sometimes less , husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way.
The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life or wife and has found an escape. He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly.
Then there. I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month. It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years. I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online. I confronted her she played it down. The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids….
I thought it strange but as I was desperately trying to fix our marriage.. I complied without question. That night my 4 year old daughter said something i wrong with her ipad.. I looked and it was pop up messenger communication sexual natured of my wife arranging a liason with a stranger… I flipped…. Well a month later I moved back in..
She promised me it was a one off… I forgave… Since then I recently found out she has been having an affair for 8months. She confessed I got angry found the guy… She broke it off. Since then I have had trust issues. I opened a Ashley Maddison account and tried to look for her… Yesterday I found her pretending to be someone else.
She was ready to meet me and stated she is in an unhappy marriage looking for fun. Our sex lives are great.. She openly admits that but letting it go so many times, I feel she thinks its acceptable behavior that if found out i will over look if I catch her. I dont want to teach my childrren that someone can do the same to them and they should always forgive. I would be surprised if you did not fall into this routine, and suggest you look at your behaviors towards your wife with a critical eye.
How a wife leaves her husband is almost never typical. Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. I would laser focus on our materials, books or course, or both; and let her know you are trying with all you have…but I would not expect anything from her in return. But you do need to work on the only person who you can influence; you!
Hope this is helpful. I read what you say to do but I felt like you were blaming me for his behavior. I am not going to take the blame for his behaviors.. If he walks well he walks I really do not care but I refuse to be the escape goat for his misgivings.
However, the fact is neither women or men understand marriage when they get married or ever, in most cases , and by the time the marriage is falling apart it is almost always only one of you that wants to do anything about it. If you go through our blogs you will see that when a man comes for help he is told what he needs to do, and when a woman comes for help we tell her what she can do; and it is not the same.
If you are able to tame your anger, which we teach in our materials, you will be in a better place to be objective about whether to stay or not. If you have children we hope you stay, but that is general, and sometimes not the best, either. Either way, we teach people how to be married, how to manage their emotions and how to succeed. I hope you look at more of our material before you write us off. All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS working during the week, weekends, holidays, late nights , yet our bills are no longer being paid and now my paycheck is disappearing too.
I have RA and started my infusions. You didn't stumble into his email inbox while attacking the laptop with your feather duster. Now that the scolding is over, let's address what you did find on your "clean". Your boyfriend is a serial, compulsive cheater and liar. He is toxic. This has been dragging on for a tortuously long time, you need to move on with your life. Too much, too young: Katie Byrne: Dear Mary: Most Viewed Most Shared. Irish News 'I dabbled in the occult and was dancing with the devil' - Shane Lynch says he can't Independent Style.
I've reconnected with my first love who has helped I'm a married woman in my forties with teenage Looking for love: So it's Valentine's Day. Named after a Christian My partner and his friend lied about their intimate My boyfriend of six months has a female best friend. Also in this section. Why we need to talk to our sons about Teenage boys watch It was surprising to see a Trauma of finding my wife's vodka bottles I find myself yet Top five most read columns of all time Here are the top How do I dump my girlfriend now I'm too good I've been going Should I tell him about my traumatic past?
I feel like I'm I'm tired of being my boyfriend's punch ball and I I've been with I love my wife of 10 years - but we never have sex I have known I am keen to marry my amazing girlfriend but she isn't I'm a Hindu and My friend has become a Debbie Downer and judges us One of my I'm sick and tired of playing second fiddle to I'm a widow who I'm very introverted and keen to find friends I am a quiet, Dear Allison: I can't accept my child's disability - it's making Q I am ashamed of my These are the Tinders , Bumbles , and other mainstream dating apps of the world that started out for straight folks but that have made surprisingly large strides in being successful resources for queer women or men, for that matter too.
There's obviously still a lot of work to do when it comes to inclusivity, but we're pretty proud of how far the online dating market has come in the past few years. They still have their flaws, but it's a step in the right direction. We're excited to see how dating apps for women, transwomen, lesbians, and nonbinary people continue to evolve in years to come. After all, love is love. We're using cookies to improve your experience. Click Here to find out more. Like Follow Follow.
The Good. HER HER is the award-winning mix of dating and social media that lets you meet girls you know are girls. Free See Details. The gist: Apps like Tinder and Bumble are technically for all sexual orientations — so why are they still giving you male matches when you've specified you only want women? Swiping through all of that is way too much work, and it shouldn't have to be like that. Claiming to the be the app that "introduces you to every lesbian you've ever wanted to meet," HER is the award-winning mix of dating and social media that lets you meet girls you know are girls, as it requires a Facebook for signup and is solely for lesbian, bisexual, and queer women.
It was also created by queer women, for queer women, which is glorious. The setup: HER has a minimalist layout that encourages users to, you know, talk to each other rather than just creeping. While more intense dating sites will have you fill out a huge questionnaire, HER only asks for the bare minimum so that if you want to find out more about a person, you'll have to ask. Instead of seeing one profile at a time and swiping, you'll be shown a collage of nearby women and can start playing from there. But don't worry, they give tips for that. Side note: We totally encourage you to read Sheets' whole story.
Why it works: Aside from the obvious reason that it's one of the only dating apps specifically for lesbians and queer women without being some gross sexualized thing? Requiring Facebook to register solves one of the main issues that comes along with online dating as a lesbian: Desperate men posing as women, attempting to do Eliminating fake and scammer profiles that often pop up on hookup apps gives a heightened sense of security, and makes HER much more inviting to women who may have shied away before.
Even if you're not looking for a relationship, HER is just a great place to make friends in your area if you are at capacity with straight friends. Another refreshing aspect is that HER is so much more than a hookup app, and doesn't even put on the pressure to find a romantic partner. The bad news: We have seen a few women mention that HER's reputation for being a "relationship app" has gotten so overbearing that it feels like your feed is just full of women complaining about being single.
But this is probably dependent on your location, and we think that the good totally outweighs the bad here. The cost: HER is free to download and there are no in-app purchases. Fem Fem stands out by encouraging users to submit video, so you're better protected from catfishing. Being catfished is one of the most common horror stories across all online dating platforms, but is especially an issue for lesbians with creepy men lurking and trying to pass as women.
No thanks. While requiring a Facebook approval is one way to combat the straight men, another way is to require a video instead of pictures, which is the unique route that Fem takes. Fem encourages users to introduce themselves with video profiles as way to be personal right off the bat and you'll get to hear their voice before meeting IRL, which is a nice touch. Some of us are too shy for videos raises hand , so Fem doesn't require it, and you can just post your best selfies instead. As of now, it's pretty foolproof. Aside from the video aspect, Fem has most of the average features that you'd expect on any dating app and operates about the same, so there's no weird learning curve.
The videos. Fem also has a unique tool called "Rooms" where users can chat in a variety of different groups, send selfies, or talk about some deep shit. Being a lesbian can be lonely, especially if you're not out yet or are having a time making non-straight friends, and Fem gives an awesome opportunity to expand your circle and meet women with similar experiences. The bummers: Because it's relatively new and has experienced some technical difficulties, Fem has a small user database and doesn't show people based on location, so women you meet might not be from your area.
Fem is free to download and there are no in-app purchases. OkCupid With its matching technology and large dating pool, OkCupid is great for queer women. Basic account that includes messaging: Free A-List Basic: Our favorite of the non lesbian-specific options, OkCupid has truly upped its queer game in the last few years. As one of the biggest dating apps in America with extensive user profiles, OKCupid gives you a large dating pool and offers opportunities to find a lasting connection. Similar to traditional players like eharmony or Match , OKCupid has in-depth user bios and sets of questions, making the setup process slower than its counterparts.
What's great about this though is that you can be more sure that you're connecting over more than just thinking the other person is hot. It does use swiping like Tinder , but you have a lot more to go off of than just their picture and a quote from The Office as a bio. OkCupid is a more serious space, and most users are genuinely using their bios to attract lasting connections.
One thing that makes OkCupid more relationship-y is that matches are shown based on the percentage of things you had in common in the questions you answered — aka it doesn't just show you every random person in your vicinity who happens to have the same page liked on Facebook. It's not perfect, but it'll help meeting in person go a lot smoother.
As their slogan says, "Dating deserves better. OkCupid started out focusing solely on straight people, but has experienced an awesome queer-friendly revamp in the past years, with an expansion to 12 sexual orientations and 20 gender identities in